Please review my story

I hate writing, but I usually come up with ideas for Fanfics anyway. I decided to try and actually write one, but I'd like people to review it before I actually post it and give some advice like whether this should be in first, second, or third person. So, here's (most of) the first chapter of an Undertale fanfic.

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"You cannot give up just yet..." Asgore's text beeped, "Chara! Stay determined..."
I rapidly hit the "Z" key to get back to the game. "Almost got it," I muttered under my breath, "Just need to stay a bit closer to the middle. If I'm lucky, I can actually beat him today." Double checking the time, I prepared for my ninth attempt of the day. The Genocide Route had been as difficult as expected, but the Sans fight was on a whole other level. Even after watching countless LPs of the game, I was sorely unprepared for the onslaught. It only took a week to get here, but the fight itself has taken almost a month. Admittedly, using a computer at school limits when and how long I can play, but it was easiest way for me to do Genocide without messing up my actual game at home. 
"are you ready? survive THIS and i'll show you my special attack!" 
"This is it," I thought to myself. I took a few deep breaths and steadied my hands. "It's now or never," with that last thought, the final challenge began. My SOUL immediately turned blue, slammed into the walls to be skewered. A few quick jumps and the first part was cleared with no damage. The incoming bones on either side were more difficult, taking off a bit of HP. Dreading what was about to happen, I aimed my falling SOUL towards the bottom of the screen as two sets of bones created a narrow, weaving path. I got hit numerous times, but my HP was still over half.
"Stay in the middle," I chanted softly, "stay in the middle." Repeating that survival mantra, I tried moving as little as possible to dodge the next wave of attacks, close enough to the middle to quickly alternate sides, but not close enough to run into the attacks. I let out a small sigh of relief upon hitting the end of the corridor, getting past where I lost the last time.
But it wasn't over yet. "Up. Up-Left," I tried to remember which way to jump, to little success. With barely any HP left, I struggled to avoid the last set of Gaster Blasters. "Please, please, please, please, please," I practically begged. If it didn't end soon, I was doomed to try again for the umpteenth time. After what seemed like an eternity, the endless stream of lasers faded away and my SOUL was flung around the screen like a ragdoll, but it didn't matter at that point. There was nothing that could stop me anymore.
I let relief and satisfaction wash over me. Sans was beaten. The hardest, most exciting, most frustrating boss fight I'd ever faced was finally defeated. Now, the only thing left was a choice - go on to the end or stop before it was too late.
There was no reason for me to continue. I already know the end, so there's no benefit. It would only end with the game's corruption. On the other hand, I didn't technically "win" yet. If I reset or stop, then everything up to this point would've been kind of pointless. And besides, this is just a copy of the game. My REAL save is on my laptop, so anything I do here wouldn't effect my good ending.
Feeling comfortable with my decision, I continued towards the throne room to reach the end.

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I like how you included conflict into your fanfic and that appears to be your strong point. If only you could finish stronger with the resolve and how you fixed it, similarly like I said on your college paper, then it would have a more meaningful ending. Thinking about the solution can help make it more easier to, to relate to relieve your readers, but that doesn't mean you cannot end off with something they can think about for themselves.

Keethkon wrote:I like how you included conflict into your fanfic and that appears to be your strong point. If only you could finish stronger with the resolve and how you fixed it, similarly like I said on your college paper, then it would have a more meaningful ending. Thinking about the solution can help make it more easier to, to relate to relieve your readers, but that doesn't mean you cannot end off with something they can think about for themselves.

Thanks for the feedback! This is just the first chapter, so there will be more resolution later. Though you do have a point about the ending, so I'll probably go back and tweek it some. Do you think writing in the first person is ok? I'm not sure since most Fanfics are in the third person.

PKMNMaster wrote:

Keethkon wrote:I like how you included conflict into your fanfic and that appears to be your strong point. If only you could finish stronger with the resolve and how you fixed it, similarly like I said on your college paper, then it would have a more meaningful ending. Thinking about the solution can help make it more easier to, to relate to relieve your readers, but that doesn't mean you cannot end off with something they can think about for themselves.

Thanks for the feedback! This is just the first chapter, so there will be more resolution later. Though you do have a point about the ending, so I'll probably go back and tweek it some. Do you think writing in the first person is ok? I'm not sure since most Fanfics are in the third person.

As long as you focus on the development of the first person character and stay organized, that will be fine. Many books are written in first person, so there is no problem doing that. Just stay organized and it will flow very nicely.